In the morning, I ride my bike through the city to the nearest station in order to go to my work. As the weather forecast stated that today would be a windy day, I am pedaling against a strong wind with my all might. When I stop at the red light, i try to think about my future, but I can not come up with any idea at all, about what I want to do or about what kind of future I want to have.
It’s not that I am dissatisfied with my current job, but it is not like I am already satisfied with it either. It is quite boring to aimlessly pass the days rather than following the path I chose.
However, most of the people are living that way, right? I am just one of those people, that’s all. But to be honest, I once had a dream about my future as well.
At the time when I was at the elementary school, I seriously wanted to become a baseball player. When I was at the sixth grade, I was the ace of the team with the number 4 jersey, and we had even advanced to prefecture tournament after winning easily in the city tournament. However, we suffered a called-defeat in the first round, it was a called game at the seventh inning. We lost 17 points, while our best inning was only at two strikeouts and a ground ball to the pitcher. It was a crushing defeat.
“That team is without a doubt the champion candidate. It was only bad luck to get matched up with them.” That was what I wanted to think. But that team, who beat us, was defeated rather easily in the second round.
I was dumbfounded as i watched the match that was on a whole new level than the matches in the city tournament. And when the match ended, my gaze fell down as I looked at my corny palms.
(It’s a lie that anyone who worked hard would be rewarded. Some people just can’t accomplish anything no matter how hard they try. )
At that moment, the dream of becoming a baseball player disappeared from my heart.
But I still researched about it afterwards. And it seemed that, that team had managed to win the prefecture tournament and then participated in the national tournament. However, they too lost at the first round.
In the middle school, since there was a rule that you have to join a club, I just joined a club called Gardening which the sole activity it has, was to water some plants. Of course a teammate from the little league invited me to the baseball club; however, I had no desire to play baseball anymore.
I would just finish my club activity quickly and then started to study. In the elementary school, my dream was to become a baseball player. But now, I had a new goal, which was to become the top student in my grade, so I dilligently immersed myself into studying.
However, the top student place was solidly seized by the handsome ace of the Soccer Club. So, my middle school life ended just like that, without becoming the top student even once. I really wish that all handsome guys would just become bald.
As for the high school, I enrolled into one which was considered as a “fairly” good high school within the prefecture. But being “fairly” good itself, is already a problem, since I know from my baseball experience that there are countless talented people in the world.
I wanted to enroll into a good college and become a researcher, but it doesn’t seem like I can be.
“Know your place.” This principle was engraved into my body during the middle school. Even if I could have enrolled into the best high school within the prefecture, I would still be a loser in there. After all, it would be the gathering of the students who can be the top, even though they play soccer for more hours than my study time including the weekends.
After that, I only enrolled into a second-rate college without pointlessly trying to study hard, and then I just spent an ordinary college life. Unfortunately, I was graduated from the college during a glacial economic period, so I had to spend a year as a jobless man. Finally, I was employed as a sales representative selling agricultural machinery under an equipment manufacturer company.
My parents even said this to me once, that I had yearned to be someone special. This yearning was also the same during elementary or middle school. And actually it is still the same even now. However, I realized that I could not become someone special.
Now, I already gave up on being someone special, but I am still trying to slake my thirst for it by immersing myself into the world of fiction books.
Even when I look around me, there aren’t really anyone that is special. And besides, you can still live on, even though you are not someone special.
On top of that, humans can still live on without even having any reason.
Then the traffic light turns green and I start to paddle my bike. Even though the wind is strong today, I can still pass through the wind ahead of me using my strong legs that I trained during my baseball times.
My view is not obstructed, so I look at my left and right at the crossroad and confirm that, there is no car coming. Then I try to cross it without decreasing my speed, but in the split second that I look at my left and right, a strong wind suddenly blows, and a vinyl hits me on my face.
Just when my balance was swayed a little, I accidentally stumbled on a pebble and flopped on the ground with the momentum of my bike.
And there was even a large truck coming onto me from behind. But, because my clothes was entwined with my bike, and I was also in an unbearable pain, I could not move.
(I see. Since there is no need for a reason to live, there is no need for a reason to die as well, I guess.)
While thinking about those stupid things at the end, the short life of Kariya Yousuke on the earth finally ended at the age of 25.
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